Sandwich generation woes

[momofhzm]

I just feel guilty all the time about my Mom’s situation.

I have three children….one is on her own, one is in college but home for the summer (and still on my “payroll”), and the youngest is 16. I also work full time.

My mom is 84, is extremely feeble, and lives alone. However, her mind is still functioning well. My sister is her power of attorney. I have offered several times for Mom to come stay with me, but she refuses to move out of her house. My sister and I wanted to hire help for her, but she said her house was too dirty (her pets run amok in it….just imagine.) My daughter eagerly offered to go clean her house once a week, but Mom and my sister didn’t want to give her a key to the house. I went over there one Saturday a couple of weeks ago and cleaned for hours in the hopes that she would allow some outside help to come in, but she is still refusing because the help we had for my dad before he died stole from her, among other things. I have also offered to take one or more of the pets home with me, but my offer was refused by Mom and my sister (it would “kill” Mom to get rid of the pets….according to my sister.)

My sister also has a family and works full time, but she goes over to Mom’s every night to take care of her and usually doesn’t get home to spend much time at all with her family. I feel awful about this, but I feel like I have come up with ideas to help in ways that would not sacrifice my own family or my job. None of my ideas is ever acceptable as the only kind of help that is acceptable to Mom (and also my sister) is on Mom’s terms, which always make me choose between my children (or job) and her. I call her almost every day and go for a visit at least once a week, but I just don’t have time to take care of her, her house and mine too while working full time. She just doesn’t seem to understand this (she never worked a day in her life.)

My mother is a very sweet lady and I love her a lot, but at this point in time, I feel like she is not facing the reality of her increasing age. She wants things to be like they were 20 years ago, but I think those days are gone forever. My sister is such a servant to her she should be a saint, but on the other hand, I’m sure her family is suffering because of her absence from them.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? I feel guilty no matter what I do.

[danae]

It sounds like you have come up with a lot of good & intelligent suggestions. Try not to worry or feel guilty, you have done what you can as well as you have much to take care of at your own home & work. I have found in life, that usually if something gets uncomfortable enough, people usually change it, eventually, & your Mom & sister may see that changes are necessary. If your Mom still has her mind, try to respect her wishes, even though it isn't how you would want to live. It sounds like you have done really well with all this, you have kept a good balance & looked at the big picture. Again, try not to feel guilty. Bless you!

Danae

[Bondservant]

You are in between a rock and a hard place, huh?

I work for a nursing home. We also have a home health, hospice and retirement villages. I have few suggestions:

1.) Retirement Village: I myself don't really like this idea too much, but it works out in situations like yours. The house is purchased outright, (ours sell for 75,000). The property remains in the name of the company, but the resident lives in this home as their own. We are non-profit, so we don't pay property taxes, but we insure the dwelling. They are 2 bedroom, 2 bath homes that are very nice. The resident then pays a monthly maintenance fee (ours is 225.00 a month). This takes care of all maintenance. If the water heater goes out or the AC, it is covered. The lawn and bushes are maintained. If the plumbing goes haywire or painting needs done, it is all covered. When the person moves out or passes away, the home is then re-sold and the family gets the original purchase price back less 1,00.00 for admin fees. (pets are allowed)

2.) How about a senior companion? I had a very good friend that lived in our village. She was actually your mom's age at the time (she is now 91), but she just couldn't be on her feet long enough to cook and clean herself. She found someone through the church who was younger than her (lol, she was 75) who got around very well. She did light housekeeping and cooked breakfast and dinner for her. (Usually she has just fruit and boiled egg for lunch). She would sit and talk with her. All of this was done for a minimal "fee". They both received companionship, and since they ate their meals together, they were eating nutritiously. My friend moved to an assisted living facility closer to her daughter, but she made a very good friend with her helper and they still keep in touch.

3.) Contact her church or your local nursing home. Many times these both have resources (volunteers) who can in the least rotate and go fix her dinner and tidy up. Keep talking to her about a home health aide if possible (financially), especially if she needs help bathing. Many times an agency will come in and evaluate things that may make it easier for your mom to do things on her own (shower chairs, bed side commodes, ect.).

4.) Don't forget meals on wheels or to contact your local senior center. They can help too.

5.) Don't feel guilty. I know, easier said than done. You can only do what you can do. I have a family too, and some people are ok with being divided like that. It's hard. Take each day one by one, that is how God gives them to us, so we don't try to live with 5 days at a time.

((hugs))) Hope this helps a little. Melissa

[windward]

Dear Friend,

Sometimes it seems to work out with an elderly parent that they seem more comfortable with the way one child deals with them than another.
I had this happen in my family - I was the one of the three kids who could handle Mom and even tho' my sister had some great ideas sometimes, it seemed to come better from me than her.

I do have a maybe crazy suggestion. If you want to help but feel kind of rebuffed by Mom, maybe you can offer to do what you can to support your sister supporting your Mom. That way you won't have to feel guilty.
Like if your sister is giving a lot of time to your mom, maybe you and your daughter can do your sister's errands or grocery shopping or cook and freeze a few meals? Do a little housekeeping? There's more than one way to help. Just a thought. Win.

[momofhzm]

Thank you to eveyone for responding. It does help to have someone else understand.

It's a great idea to help my sister more, Winward. I could certainly do a little grocery shopping and baking for her when I do my own.

Mom doesn't want to move out of her house or have anyone except "her girls" come into the house, and that is the way it's apparently going to be. No other idea is even considered for an instant. Since I just can't work daily maintenance into my schedule, my sister takes the lion's share of it and never complains, but I know it takes its toll. It's so frustrating and guilt-inducing at the same time.

Anyway, thank you again everyone!