New baby and MIL

[Safarigirl]

I need biblical advice on how to handle my MIL's week long visit when our newborn will be 2 weeks old.
I know I am stressing way too much about it!
My MIL has a habit of taking over wherever she is - be it at her own home or in mine. That's just who she is and what I've come to realise is that that is her way of showing love - she loves to do everything for everyone. I on the other hand was brought up very self-sufficient and like to do things myself.

I won't mind her taking over the cooking and cleaning because I understand I will have no energy left for those things, but I am afraid she will take over the baby stuff - the reason being is that she was a midwife and a nurse and a very opinionated one as well...

I just don't want to be trapped into a situation where she is forcing me to do things her way (regarding our baby) because she has more experience and she knows best. It would be fine if she just offered advice or made suggestions, but my MIL is the kind of person who will take things out of your hands without asking if its ok with you.

My own mother, on the other hand, will wait until I ask for advice. She will be staying the first 10 days after baby is born.

My husband is no help either since he is as soft-hearted as I am and won't "lay down the rules" for his mom, so in the end it will become my problem.

My mother says I'm being selfish and that I should just let my MIL do what she wants with our baby for that week because she will not be seeing baby for another 3 months.

I just feel that I want to settle baby into a routine as soon as possible and that having someone in the house who will disregard our decisions will mess it all up.

I'm praying that God will change my heart around this issue. Do any of you have any advice on how I should approach this or change my attitude?
This is our first baby.

[Bondservant]

Hi there!

Boy, you are in a hard place. I guess my first question is: how far away does MIL live? If very far away, grin and bear what you can. If it is a bit closer, you do need create some boundries.

I want to relate a small story. My son had colic so bad. He would always draw up his knees and just cry away from not being able to toot. My mom kept telling me to give him kayro syrup in his bottle. Well, I thought it was a wives tale and why in the world would I give my child that much sugar at such a young age? Well, you guessed it. Finally in desperation I tried it and it worked. (Sorry mom!!)

This to say, at least have a listening ear. You say you are self sufficient, I consider myself the same way. I dont need anyone to do anything for me. Or so I like to think. I am super-mom, super-employee and I rely on myself. Sometimes, the image I need to live up to is very overwhelming and tiring. So be open to submitting to MIL, at least a little. Titus 2:3-4 says "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage young women to love their husbands, to love their children....."

Your MIL way may actually be best, but it may not be. I think there can be a respectful way to say, "MIL, I love the idea you have about ______ , but I wanted to do it this way ________. I can't thank you enough for the time you are taking to teach me what you know."

I can't promise that she will be open to you standing up for yourself, but praise her for the things she does "right", the things that you agree with. I think that may make the "rejection" easier. Most of all, be in prayer for the Holy Spirit to guide you, your words and your actions. Pray for a loving and fruitful time with MIL.

Don't knock the MIL's too much though, they actually have more wisdom than we give them credit for. Let us know how you are doing along your pregnancy too! Can't wait for the new birthday!!

In Christ,
Melissa

[Safarigirl]

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for the sound advice!
You've given me a lot of things to consider.

Please pray with me that I will relax about knowing all the answers and that I will be willing to submit to advice and help from my MIL.

Saf.

[angelinakai]

Hi,

I do understand where you're coming from. When is your baby due? I am about to have number 2 and i'm having her by planned c-section in 9 days!!

Anyway, so I am like you in that I like to do things the way that I like to do them. I think that this situation could be extremely stressful, or you could try to make the best of it and just keep telling yourself that it's a very temporary situation. I found that when my son was born, I was shocked... I mean SHOCKED... at how much I did not know about taking care of a baby. I think Melissa offered some great advice that it may be a good idea to listen to her suggestions. Then you can do what you want to. Who knows.... you really could be calling her after she leaves and saying ... "now what was that you said I should do about this or that." Two weeks will go by fast and your baby probably won't be on any sort of routine for the first month or so anyway just bc when they are that little, they are still adjusting to being out of the womb. You will have plenty of time to get your baby on a schedule. You are giving your MIL something that will make her life brighter every day and that is such a blessing.

When my son was born, I had no help at all. My mom came over to "help" every day for a week and her idea of "helping" was taking my son from me for hours so that I could do housework and cook. this was hard to do since i had just had a c-section. and, my MIL is awesome... but she lives in Hong Kong. So if you get annoyed, just enjoy the help while you have it!!!!

God's blessings on you and your family and especially on that sweet little child that is about to be born :-)

[windward]

Dear Safarigirl -

Congratulations on the imminent arrival of your new baby! How exciting!
First of all, it sounds like based on past experience you're expecting your MIL to behave a certain way, and while you might not be able to change her behavior, I would spend this some time before baby comes asking the Lord to give you wisdom, discernment and patience and love for your MIL and your own Mom during thse upcoming visits. Even tho' your MIL may charge right in like Mary Poppins, ready to "set your straight" on how to take care of a newborn, the Lord will give you a better attitude toward it for those two weeks. I agree with the other ladies about it takes a while to get a newborn settled in and on a schedule, and then just when you think that you've got that down, like at about three months, they go through another growth spurt and teething and you have to tackle a new stage of mothering so those two weeks with MIL will not spell doom for developing your own way of doing things with your baby. If you can consider that her heart will be in the right place, even if she's bugging the bananas out of you, maybe that will help.
Both my mom and my older sister were nurses. I am not. Then I had the first grandchild, a girl. Oh, boy. My mom was from the old school of get that child on a schedule, feeding only every four hours, don't pick them up when they cry, yadda, yadda. My sister was innundating me with articles she would cut out of magazines about child-rearing and her own advice, although she was single and unmarried. They both claimed the authority of being nurses to back up their position. I claimed the authority of being her mother and not an imbecile. After a while, they came to see that my baby was healthy, thriving, happy and doing really well and backed off, except for the occasional comment which a lot of times was not without merit. My mom would mention little things to me that I didn't notice, like maybe the baby's socks were getting a little too tight or some other thing that she was actually right about. So you actually may gain from Mom's and MIL's advice. They have been down this road before. You don't have to do it their way, but you can learn from them. It's great to be self-sufficient, but sometimes pride in being self-sufficient is . . . well, pride, KWIM? Don't let the need to be independent and do things your way get in the way of being able to benefit from learning at the knee of these older women in your life. Besides, it's just two weeks. You can nod and smile through anything for two weeks. Let us know how you and baby are doing! Win.