In-Law troubles...

[rachel_dancing]

Hello Sisters,
I am hoping for some advice and encouragement…
I have been having some “in-law” troubles. I don’t want to go into every little detail but basically my husband’s parents are divorced. Within his family there is a large amount of gossip. It defiantly has affected our relationship with his family. The gossip seems to be at its worst with my mother-in-law. I actually confronted her about it when it became too extreme. She told me in the heat of the moment that she “hadn’t chosen me to be her son’s wife.” We have forgiven one another for the fall out but I am having a very hard time forgetting these words. I have prayed to God to help me and it just hasn’t happened. I am trying to move on but there were many cruel things said on her end and I can’t make myself feel comfortable now. Even when my husband talks with her on the phone my heart aches and I get all tense.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Does any one have tips for me in regards to my situation? Thank you so much for taking the time to read, please reply as well!
Rachel

[gerber daisy]

Oh honey...I totally feel for you. My first mother in law was a disturber of the peace and my ex never stood up to her. My now hubby has a mother who can stir it up some times but hubby deals with her, I do not in these cases. "A man will LEAVE his father and mother"....hubby is totally standing on that and puts our little family first. Maybe you need your husband to take a stand with his mother and if she cannot be peaceable then you may need to distance yourself from her some.
And by the way, I do not know if you have children or not but if you do or are going to...who cares how your mother in law raised her kids and what she thinks of how you raise yours! Let her know that....gently though. I have had to deal with that! Ugh!

[rachel_dancing]

Thank you so much for your reply Gerber Daisy. =)
My husband has stood by me in this. He has talked to his mom about it. But now the problem is they are going back to normal and I can’t seem to forget what was said. I forgave her but I am having a hard time forgetting. I am trying to stay positive, I know that I need to move on, but for some reason I can’t.

[windward]

Dear Rachel -

I'm sorry you're having this problem with your MIL. Ouch. Funny, my daughter has a serious beau that would not be my choice for her, but she loves him and I keep my mouth shut just in case she marries him. The thing is, you were your hubby's choice and he loves you and that's that. But speaking as a mother of a grown daughter, I can see how she might be provoked to say it, but she should never have said it. Not good at all. Well, about the only thing that I know that works is to ask the Lord to help you forgive her every day and to forgive you for holding on to some hard feelings. You will feel better inwardly and better about her quicker if you do that. I had to do it with my ex-husband or else explode from wanting him to perish from the face of the earth (LOL) and I no longer feel that way.

In-law problems are so hurtful. My dh's parents are dead, but my SIl and BIL give us fits from time to time, and DH always forgives them - and I have trouble doing it because they are never, never, never anything but manipulative users (see?) but forgiveness is the only road that gives you peace about it.

You know, I have learned from life that the people who like to stir the pot and gossip are people who are secretly either very bored with their lives, very resentful, or very unhappy. If you can apply the principle of "blessing those who curse you" and pray for her, you never know what might happen! Either she will change or you will see a blessing in some way .
Blessings - Win.

[ozzie]

We happen to live in a town where neither of us has any family members. Honestly I am not at all bothered by that, not because I don't like any of them, but because It works better that way. Don't get involved in the gossip, ever. If any one of them tries to talk about another, change the subject completely. It's just not worth it.

You will need to make a conscious decision to forgive her, you need to firstly WANT to, then ask the Lord to help you.

The way he usually helps me to forgive is to humble me pretty quickly. Usually if we can't forgive it's because of pride - lets face it.... aren't there many things you've thought about people that you would totally shrivel up and die if they knew you'd even thought it. You have to admit that - haven't you ever thought something hateful or horrible about your mother in law? What if she knew your thoughts? Would she be hurt? Had you ever said something you'd regretted?

Once we come to an understanding that we live in this flesh that is tempted by sin constantly, how can we not forgive? I'm not trying to be harsh, because I know it's difficult, I'm just being honest. Here is a verse to drive it home, if you haven't got the picture yet :-)

if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14 (this is right after the "Lord's prayer")

He wouldn't command us to forgive if it weren't possible - He will totally help you, because He wants you to give it completely over to him. It's such a massive weight to be carrying around - one He doesn't want to carry.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11.28.

[rachel_dancing]

Ozzie & Windward, thank you very much for your insight…I really appreciate it.
So what I am gathering from your replies is that although I thought I had forgiven my MIL by not being able to forget I had not truly forgiven her? I guess because of what was said and because of the tendency for gossip I am finding it hard to trust. I have prayed about this many times and will continue to do so. Thanks again for your advice, more is welcome!

[gerber daisy]

I so do not agree that your ability to forget means you have not forgiven her. My personal belief is that when you forgive you do not let the issue rule your life anymore. You won't dwell on it and you will not "beat" the person with the wrong they have done. I think you can always remember what was done as it makes you wiser. That is just my opinion on it though.

I still think you may need to distant yourself from your inlaws. It is not healthy for you and hubby to have to deal with this type of garbage and a life away from it all, even if that means only talking to them once a month or maybe even moving away. When I got married my mom said....now move away. I did the second time round and it is way better! We have no family where we are and it makes me appreciate my mother in law more when I see her...even when her mouth drives me up the wall! LOL

Hang in there and remember that an in-law is really an out-law with a nicer name.

[windward]

Hi, Rachel -

Let me clarify. I believe there are certain hurts that we receive that are harder to heal from. If I stepped on your toe by accident and apologized right away you would probably find it easier to forgive me than if I struck you on the foot on purpose with a hammer. Because every time your foot would hurt, you would remember that I had done it on purpose and it would bring up feelings of anger and resentment.
The recurrent feelings that pop up when we think again about how someone has been unkind to us, that's what the going to the Lord every time and asking for help in healing and forgiving helps. After a while, you don't forget that someone has hurt you, but the sting is gone, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry your MIL is a pill. Ozzie and Gerber were right on in their advice. I hope things get better for you! Win.

[rachel_dancing]

What I struggle with is how much I can safely let my guard down around my in-laws. I’m not comfortable at this point, and because they are his family my husband has been able to bounce back quicker than I. It is ok for me to keep my distance…and I plan on doing that…but expectations are always great around the holidays which are quickly approaching. I'm not sure how I will deal with that, any suggestions would be much appreciated!

I’m not sure why this situation eats at me so much. But as I said before, I will continue to take it to the Lord. It also helps to have an outlet like this where Christian sisters are available to share concerns with. Thank you ladies again for the replies...they've given me lots to think about. =)

[windward]

Dear Rachel,

Well, if I were you and had a MIL as you have described her, it would eat at me because I would think that down deep she doesn't like me and because she is a gossip, I would worry that she would take something I said or did to make trouble in my marriage or to make other people in my husband's family not like me. As the old saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. (Just joking).

Well, what you have to do is dust off what a good friend of mine used to call her "convent manners" because she went to a Catholic boarding school. Be very polite, distract your MIL with any compliment you can think of about her dress or her house or, my favorite, think of something she's good at and ask her questions about it. If she's a good cook, ask her if she has any good recipes for chicken or a great chocolate cake. Schmooze a little. Act like you would if you were meeting her for the first time and wanted to make a good impression. Do it for your marriage and for your husband. The holidays, as people call them, are actually only what, three days? Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years - maybe four if you count Christmas Eve. You probably won't have to be with her all those days 24-7, so just think of it as a few days, not the rest of your life. And when it's over, your husband will think you're an angel for being nice to his mom. And who knows, she may wind up being your biggest fan.

You know, our Lord has something in his Word for every occasion. I would look to the Proverbs for wisdom here. To paraphrase, the Lord can make even your enemies to dwell in peace with you.

Hugs, sweetie - Win.

[joy77]

Hi Rachel,
I had a very difficult time with my in-laws the first few years of our marriage. There were many hurtful things done or said, either to my face or through the 'grapevine'. Those things don't leave! We've been married eleven years, and I now have a pretty decent relationship with my MIL, but I still remember some of the hurtful words. I realize that most of what she, or my SIL, said about me was because they didn't know me well, and had made assumptions about what I was like.
I used to have daily troubles with anger creeping up on me, and mental images of confrontation and arguments in which I could speak my piece. As time went by, I realized that Satan uses anything he can to cause trouble, rip apart relationships, etc. etc. I had to increase my own awareness of when those thoughts were coming upon me, or I would only become aware of them after I'd been allowing it for many minutes! I began praying against those thoughts of conflict, and feelings of anger and hurt. Gradually they decreased. I still have the problem, but I continue to handle it in the same way, and our relationship has improved. I don't know if that will help at all, but if it does, that is why I posted.
Prayer for your MIL's eyes to be opened and her heart to be softened would be in order, too.

[windward]

Great post, Joy! You are so right. Satan will use anything he can. I have had plenty of those conversations in my head myself, and it does get you stirred up.