Needing some help again.

[findingthetruth]

Hello everyone, I haven't been on here in awhile, things here have been so busy lately. I do have a situation that I don't really know how to handle or what to really think of. There is a guy that we know that goes out riding with us him and his son quite often, my husband doesn't "hang" around him other than that and my husband will work on his stuff, when they talk on the phone it's usually about that then they'll talk about riding so that's about the contact they have. I always liked this guy didn't have any issues with him. About 2 years ago his son told our daughter that his dad cheated on his mom, (we have met her several times), well I immediatley looked at him differently being that it's not only very wrong but I felt for his wife since I know what she is going through. He never said anything to us like they were divorcing or anything the only thing he told my husband was that he was living at his sisters for awhile and that was about 2 years ago. Since then he has referred to his wife, things they were doing mainly about their kids, he came here a few times with her so it appeared maybe they were working it out. My husband really doesn't talk to him much except during the spring and summer months. About 3 months ago he referred a female co-worker of his to my husband for some car work, well he's the one that was her ride both times and then again this last time she had her car here, he was at her house once when my husband needed to call her to get some info about her car (he answered her phone), it really bothers me knowing he cheated on his wife, I dont' know what their marital status is now and according to my husband he has never said anything to him about his marriage or this female but it bothers me though that he even associates with him knowing he cheated on his wife. It bothers me that my husband saw nothing wrong with calling him to get info about her car when he couldn't get a hold of her, he has asked him oh how's (her name) car running, isn't that wrong? I'm sure in my husbands head he's just thinking oh he works with her and maybe she said something to him and since he brought her maybe he knew the info he needed to proceed. He said he wouldnt' do it again but he doens't get why, I would be upset if someone was talking to my husband about some other female yes it's only her car but to me it's almost like he's condoning his infidelity maybe that's not the right word but he knows this guy was married, he knows this guy cheated then to see him with another female and to ask him quesitons doens't seem right. So here's my quesiton, is it wrong for my husband who has cheated to even talk to this guy at all? He comforts me and says he hasn't talked about it and he has no interest in "hanging" out with him, he merely is a guy that goes out on rides with them, he isnt' alone with him other than when he brings something over for husband to work on sometimes he'll help, but when they ride there is always a group, I'm usually always there even though I may not go out on all the rides I'm back at camp, and our daughter and his son are always there on their rides. It's kind of hard to avoid becuase he will call and say are you guys riding this weekend and even if my husband said no, or I dont' know, if he chooses to go he'll see us there and of course would park by us, so it would be hard to avoid. Should I be concerend? I just feel it's wrong and I'm really bothered by the fact he's with this female, I know it's none of my business but I don't want to even be around him if he's doing inappropriate things, agian I don't know what his status is with his wife, which I would think he would wonder what we're thinking since he knows we know he was married, if people saw me with another guy I would worry about what other people thought, but my husband insists he has said nothing. I know I can't make my husband do anything but I feel he's chosing this guy over my feeling how i feel aobut this guy. I maybe holding things against my husband for past things too, my husband years ago made me lose alot of my friends back when he was jealous, I did it, that was before we married, he's not like that now, other than about 4 years ago I had a friend that her and her husband were divorcing and they made some strange agreements, she never talked to me about them but I heard from someone else he didn't want me talking with her anymore and I dont' havent' talked to her but maybe 3 x since. We never hung out but we both did the same business so we talked about that and we as a family and her family (when she was married) spent time together but it was all of us, so I look at that, he now says he was wrong but only becuase he's been faced with this. Hopefully this isnt' confusing and someone can give me some advice thanks

[findingthetruth]

I know my post was long sorry but any help would be so great right now, this is really causing alot of stress thanks please

[rachel_dancing]

Hi findingthetruth!
Would you mind summarizing your post? Could you state what your questions are? I’m sorry I am asking you to write more, it’s just that I read your post and I’m not sure exactly what you are asking.
Thanks! =)

[Bountiful]

Findingthetruth, I think you need to take 10 deep breaths and calm down. Please. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but your control issues are out of control. You cannot control every person your husband meets or his every thought. I know you have suffered greatly with your husband's infidelity, but this is going completely too far. Your husband is not suggesting that he go for a "boys' night out" with this guy or anything even close to that nature. Whatever this other guy is doing, while you may disapprove, is totally not your business. And while we should be careful of who we associate with, I don't think your husband is going to "catch" anything from this guy. I worry that you are going to smother your husband to the point he will find it unbearable to remain with you. You scrutinize everyone he sees, even when it's work related. I know it's hard to suffer from insecurities; most of us do in some way or another. But we can't control anyone but ourselves. You've been given good advice from the ladies here over many months. I know its difficult to lay our worries and burdens at the Lord's feet and leave them there. We keep going back to pick them up again, over and over again. That's not unusual. You're not the only one with that problem. But please, please, dear girl, realize that your insecurity is just that YOURS. If it would be at all possible for your to get counselling (Christian, if possible), I recommend it highly. You can't continue to live like this without it all coming to a head and exploding.

I'm truly sorry if I've offended and while I don't post here very often anymore. This current post of your's is indicative of how far your insecurities have escalated. I urge you to get some help; to spend more time on your knees, praying for the Lord to help you let go of this.

God Bless You

[windward]

Dear Finding,

No, it is not wrong for him to talk to this guy. Based upon what you have told us, it sounds like it is a casual friendship, based upon their mutual interests in cars and dirtbikes.
Let me remind you that you only "know" that he cheated based upon what his son told your daughter. During the time of my divorce, my ex-husband told my daughters and our friends and neighbors that I had been unfaithful - and I wasn't. Here's the thing, dearest sister: You don't know the whole story. I wouldn't let this become a huge issue, but I would pray for the man and just ask the Lord that if this friendship would lead to no good to just remove this person from your lives.
Bountiful has said some wise and true things that may be difficult to hear, but I would echo her sentiments. I think you are in danger of becoming held hostage by your anxiety and fear of your husband potentially being unfaithful again. This is not something that is going away, and for the sake of your marriage, it is not about your husband always making sure that you don't have a minute of anxiety - it is about you handing that fear and anxiety over to the Lord and resting in the fact that no matter what happens in our lives, the Lord will never leave us or forsake us, and that we can have peace through HIM. God bless you, sister.

[lovelevi]

Dear Finding,

Bless your heart.

The sad thing is I completely understand your need to control things. I understand your insecurity and the feelings.

I do understand and you know when I read Bountiful's post, I felt it was for me too.

I am so trying to let go of things! It is soooooo hard. She is right. We have got to forget about the past, leave it there and get on with our lives.

I am going to do the Love Dare book, I thought maybe that would help me stop controlling and start loving.

I am praying for you and anytime you need a shoulder I am here!

Hugs,
Amy